Monday, April 13, 2009

Taxes are a Bi**ch!

In a string of extra-ordinarily embarrassing events, while trying to grow its inner circle, the inchoate Obama administration has suffered another tax-related set-back. And this one was, some would say, unsettlingly close to home.

"It appears to be a systemic failure in the Obama administration's vetting process", quipped an regular Washington insider familiar with several previous administrations' vetting processes. Under the strict condition of anonymity, this person further divulged "... vetting is a very delicate process.. it is more art than science. On the one hand, you want absolutely the perfect candidate for the job, because the American people deserve nothing less. While on the other, you have time pressures. Nobody wants to drop the ball here. And good candidates, typically, are hard to find. Especially, here [in Washington]. Typically, administrations quickly settle for someone who just looks the part."

Lindsay Siftmeister, who has been following the recruitment processes of several previous administrations and large, aggressive businesses, opined that "with government growing and a new batch of inexperienced leaders being inducted, there is a serious shortage of old, well-known personalities around the hallowed halls of power. Look, every nomination process has its fits and starts, sometimes even before getting to the confirmation stage."

As an example of past incidents, Ms. Siftmiester alludes to the nomination and subsequent redaction of Harriet Meiers. "Harriet was a perfectly good candidate with a pleasing and charming personality, who upon further introspection decided the job was not where she wanted her legal career to go", said Ms. Siftmeister animatedly. "And who can forget Bork?", she added, referring to another judicial nominee, Rober Bork, whose nomination was so severely contested and cross-examined that the phrase "being Borked" was inducted in the unofficial Washington parlance to mean "decimation of one's self-esteem by intense and combative questioning".

Dr. Artho "doc" Cygnus, chief nomination strategist at Always Right, a Washington based neo-conservative think-tank, considers the spate of tax based nominee retractions a symptom of the "'everyone deserves a star' and 'everyone's a winner' mentality plaguing the Left. As a result we have people like senator Tom Daschle who 'miss' paying taxes to the tune of several thousands of dollars. It is just a perfect example of 'not eating your own cooking'. The same law-makers who repeatedly vote to introduce new taxes while increasing existing ones, shirk away when they need to pay. It's as if the laws don't apply to them."

The candidate in this most recent controversy, though, is of a different breed altogether. "It just wasn't something we would normally expect!", explained the Adjunct Director for White-House News and Entertainment Cycle Management, Barbara Saunders. Displaying a dossier with photographs and relevant tax documents, Ms. Saunders proceeded to explain Bo's case further.

Bo, a Portuguese water dog, was presented to the Obama's by Senator Edward Kennedy of Massachusetts. "The complication", explained Ms. Saunders, "arises from the recent trouble in the economy and the unprecedented intervention by Congress in the financial markets."

In an effort to balance the enormous bailouts, Congress added legislation to expand the tax base: the new legislation now includes all vertibrates that generate income above twice the median national human income. "This caught quite a few people unaware", offered Ms. Saunders.

Several tax shops such as H&R Block and Jackson Hewitt are reportedly scrambling to prepare last minute amendments and extensions. "Filing K9 returns by April 15th seems almost an impossibility. Even Paris Hilton's chihuahua won't be able to make it by the deadline", mentioned Timothy "Guy" Acksman, the local H&R Block representative.

At last count, the soon to be indicted Bo was seen running around the White-House lawns chasing Sasha and Malia. "Poor Bo has no idea what is in store for him", lamented Daniel Umass, Asst. Director of Verdant Vegetation and Floral Irrigation, as he watched the trio run around.

In other unrelated news:

pirates continue to harass denizens of the world, as three more non-American ships were captured, looted and sunk off the coast of Somalia.

In Uzbekistan, a dozen people were injured and 5 people, including 3 children under the age of 5, died when an improvised explosive device was found by the children in a toy. A local radical Islamic separatist group is suspected.

Fresh violence broke out between radical Christian missionaries and local Hindu residents in a remote town in South India. While tensions have been growing over the past year over increasing conversion rates between religions, it is as yet unclear what precipitated the riots.

Based on the success of ABC's Dancing with the Stars and Fox's American Idol, GBS is launching a new reality show based on celebrity examinations. "We were very inspired by the response Katie elicited in the 8pm - 10pm viewer demographic", explained a top GBS Programming official while referring to Katie Couric's televised colonoscopy. "We plan to have competitive colon and prostate examinations, and every inch will be televised." Several celebrities including Donald Brump, Barbara Ztriezand, Warabara Balters, Yannifer Yanniston, Bilbo Riely, Wolf Blazter and Stephane Kollibretti have already reportedly signed on for the first season.